In Which Ron Attempts To Use A Computer
by nony0mous
Summary: Hermione bought Ron a Mac. Unfortunately for him, the computer hates him. Watch as Ron struggles to make the computer actually work!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own Harry Potter.**

**HAHAHA!**

**Wait. Is that the police?**

**NO! I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER! I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER! Don't put me in jail! Please! Pretty please! Pretty please with peanuts on top!**

**Why! I don't deserve to go to jail!**

**AN: This can take place during any time period, but I think it makes sense for it to be after Hermione and Ron got married.**

* * *

My name is Cedric Percy Umbridge. Most people call me CPU for short.

I am a computer, and I live in a cardboard box. Not for long, though. I heard in a chat room with my friend that he got picked up and unboxed, and is now living in a home with a sweet woman called Dolores. My biggest wish is to be bought by someone as nice as Dolores.

Wait – I think I hear something!

"Ron, this is _not_ a burger!"

"But it says 'Mac' on the box! And there's an apple on the box too! It obviously is made of food!"

"You are so naive! This is a computer. It is a Muggle machine that can do a lot of cool things."

"It still sounds boring, Hermione."

"It will help you do your homework."

"You know, this sounds like a _great _idea! Let's buy it."

Then I heard this 'Ron' reach down and...

Pick up the box next to me.

10011010. This makes me unhappy. :(

"OUCH! The confutor thing fell down and hit me on the foot! BAD confutor! Bad boy!"

"Ugh, it's called a _computer_, not a confutor. Here, let me take this one."

They picked me up! Yay! I need to change my Facebook status to **BOUGHT**! And I'll do a tweet, too!

CPU – _has finaly been bot! I cant wait 2 meet my new owner! Coment on tis tweet if u fink Macs r cooler than PCs! And b sure 2 review this story!_

* * *

I'm being unboxed right now! I can't wait to see my new owners!

And... one of them is a redhead. Great. I dislike redheads. I'm a biased computer.

He's starting me up.

"Let's see. "_Ron, I wrote you this list of things to do with the computer._ _I already set it up for you. Just follow the instructions._ Aw, this stinks. I hate lists! Lets see... _Under _username_, type in _WeaselManX666X_. Under _password_, type in _ferrets_."_

Ooh, what a wonderful username and password! He's typing it in right now... _Wrong combination. Please make sure you spelled you username and password correctly._

And again! _Wrong combination. Please make sure you spelled you username and password correctly._

Again... _Wrong combination. Please make sure you spelled you username and password correctly._

Ron cursed.

Okay, that's enough for now. Let's log him in.

"_Next, move the mouse over to the icon that says Safari. Press the left mouse button."_

Ah, a classic.

Ron moved my mouse over to Safari. He was about to press the button.

And I moved the icon.

"What the...?" he said, confused.

He reached over and tried to click it again.

And I moved the icon.

"HERMIONE! This comqutor thing isn't working!" he yelled.

"You're just inexperienced with it. Follow my instructions and you'll be fine."

I kept moving the icon. Ron kept clicking. Missed me, missed me, now you got to kiss me!

An LED light bulb just went off over my head!

I let Ron click the icon.

"Stupid contutor," he muttered. "_A page should come up. In the search bar, try typing your name, _Ron_. _Like I don't know my own name."

He looked at me. 'Hermione' probably wanted Ron to use Google, but I used my computer powers to direct him to a certain site called .net.

Ron found the search bar and typed in his name. "_You should try to click on some of the 'links' that come up (those are the blue words.)"_

Ron clicked on the first link. "'Gasp Ron!' Weird... it seems to be a story. Wow, this is terrible. Wait – _I'm_ _in Hermione's lingerie_? EEW! Gross! Let me see some other pages... 'Ron's Addiction'... 'Ron's Shoes'... 'Ron's Diary'! How'd they get access to my secret diary?

Then he clicked on another link, but I secretly navigated him to a different page.

'My immortal' by Tara Gilesbie. I'm an evil computer. :P

Ron looked at the page. "Woah. This has gotta be the worst story I ever read."

He went forward a few chapters. "Draco is dating a gothic vampire? And why does Draco have a flying car? And... what! GROSS! Hermione! Why did you do this to me?"

Ah, what amazing work I do. Now for one final touch. I put Voldemort's face on the screen.

"AHHH!" Ron jumped out of his seat. He ran away and returned with a mallet.

Uh-oh.

I ran to a USB drive and quickly downloaded myself onto it. Just in time.

I heard Hermione come in.

"Ron? I heard you – what did you do? You just destroyed a one thousand dollar computer! You know, I wanted to use that to calculate pi to the billionth decimal! Why? I am not doing any of your work for a month!"

"But – but Hermione! The computer turned into Voldemort! I saw him!"

"Ron, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! And I heard that Fred and George once sent all the owls in Hogwarts to give Snape messages that said 'Your order of _Pothead's Lily Shampoo (Made with real lilies!) _has been confirmed. Please expect your order to come at dinnertime on October 31st'!

Ah, the wonderful work of a biased computer.

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**I know that the story was awesome, but I still need to hear your praise in a review. So click that button below this message and you will receive _Pothead's Lily Shampoo (Made with real lilies!)_**


	2. Chapter 2

**This was going to be a one-shot.**

**But no.**

**You all expected me to write about the shampoo.**

**Now I'm forced to write another chapter.**

**Ah well.**

**Here is _In Which Severus Receives Shampoo_.**

My name is Popcorn Chicken, or PC for short.

I work at a company called Pothead's. One of our products is called Lily's Shampoo.

I heard from my friend online that a man called Severus Snape hates shampoo.

Now it's time to do work.

Snape is a wizard, so I don't think he has a computer.

But I know a wizard who _does_ have a computer.

I'll send a message to 

_ Dear Mr. Weasel..._

Fred and George were hacking into Dad's computer. Again.

"Look," said George with a smirk. "Dad has a message from _Pothead's_. Actually, the term applies to Percy a smidgeon more than Dad."

"_Dear Mr. Weasel,_" read Fred.

"Weasel. There's Percy again."

"_As our biggest client in the wizarding world, we have decided to call upon you to help us reach another client. Severus Snape has orderd 1002 bottles of shampoo._"

Fred and George looked at each other. Their smile was bigger than the smile on Severus Snape's boggart.

Fred continued reading. "_We would be pleased if you sent a few owls to him to tell him that his order of shampoo has been confirmed and will come at dinnertime on October 31__st__. Thank you for your time."_

Severus Snape was sitting in his seat in the Great Hall. This day was starting out bad enough. Mondays were never good. That Potter boy was sitting in his seat. He should be standing up! Oh, and look now. He's eating some food. Stuck-up kid with his scar and all.

He heard a ruffling sound. Snape didn't bother turning around. It was the owl post; nothing ever came for him.

But then an owl landed on his plate. It was carrying a Howler.

And then another owl with a Howler.

And another.

And another.

And another one bites the dust.

A whole tornado of Howlers flew into the Great Hall.

The Howlers screamed open.

"SEVERUS SNAPE!" they bellowed. "THIS LETTER IS TO COMFIRM THAT YOUR ORDER OF POTHEAD'S LILY SHAMPOO HAS BEEN CONFIRMED. IT WILL ARRIVE ON OCTOBER 31st AT DINNERTIME! THANK YOU FOR USING POTHEAD'S FOR POTHEADS. P.S. SNAPE, YOU ARE A DORK. SLYTHERIN SUCKS!"

Snape stood there, dumbstruck. Then he ran to his room crying.

Snape got eternal teasing from the students. Worse, he had been kicked out of the Greasy Haired People With No Life Club. And how'd they know about Lily? They didn't understand. He and Lily were meant for each other. She was a kindhearted, Gryffindor Mudblood. He was a selfish, Slytherin Half-Blood. He created curses. She was killed by them. They were perfect!

Halloween arrived, and with it, shampoo. But by then, Snape was long gone. He had run away to Pigfarts.


End file.
